Consistency

Right now I'm sitting on the loveseat in my dorm room, where I fit perfect with my back against one arm and my feet against the other. The air conditioning is on, and I cleaned my room this morning so it feels orderly and wonderful.

I'm alone right now, but I don't feel lonely. Loneliness has been a prevailing theme of my life for the past year and a half or so, and I fight feeling hopeless in light of it. My times at home have left me feeling lonely, without a community and without a solid family. My times at school have left me feeling like somehow I'm not living up because I don't have a partner to work towards permanence with. I'm learning slowly that life doesn't consist of those things. 

My mom is dating someone and is getting married in June. The man she's marrying is wonderful- and he embodies belonging. He and his family are very close and I value that. My mom grew up with this man and their paths have become intertwined again, and I'm very thankful for this new development. Last weekend he and Mom drove up so that he could work on my car, something that spoke volumes about their generosity and self-sacrificial nature. I'm amazed that my mom has found someone who is equally as generous and kind as she is. 

At my pottery lesson on Tuesday night, the clay wouldn't cooperate with me. Janda and Vickie, the class instructors, hold to the principle that you have to be grounded and centered in order to center the clay (the first step in creating a piece). It sounds cheesy but it's so true. That night I felt like screaming because everything went wrong, and I knew it was because the clay was reading me and my emotions. Each piece was lopsided, with one side of the piece significantly thicker than the other. They all looked and felt like leaning towers of Pisa, mocking me with their weakness. We made two pieces that night and each one looked like shit. I hold myself to a standard when I'm sitting at the pottery wheel and it wasn't working. I was frustrated that the clay was forcing to evaluate why I was so emotionally uncentered. 

At the end of the night, tears were welling up in my eyes and my throat was burning, but I slowly allowed myself to recognize that it was my loneliness and anxiety that was fucking the clay up. I was so lonely and had been struggling for days to identify the avenue that I should take to resolve the hole in my heart that I've felt consistently over the past year and a half. I missed James, my surrogate father, so much that I felt like I would break down immediately if I didn't leave. Slowly I came to the realization that I feel like everyone leaves and I'm anxious that the new man in mine and Mom's life will leave us too. I hold myself back from investing in him emotionally and trusting him because I haven't been able to do that with my dad for so long and the man who I trusted most to do things like check the oil in my car had been taken away from us. 

I'm recognizing that I have the capacity to trust and love again. I trust my friends beyond a shadow of a doubt and I know that our lives will change and evolve along different paths and that we'll grow away from each other. I know that I'll always be able to call them and pour my heart out to them. 

I'm recognizing that my life contains stability, even if it's only within myself. I create routine for myself, by making up my bed every morning, doing laundry and cleaning my room on the weekends, and drinking tea at night. I am not controlled by my circumstances, and I have the capacity to be stable. 

Along with that, I have the capacity to trust in the stability of others. Yes, my friends love me and that won't change. Yes, my mom and Wade will be married, and they won't move out of the house that they live in now. I'll always be able to go home and drink out of the same cup that I use every time I'm there, and I'll be able to decorate the tree and cook meals for holidays on a consistent basis. Wade will care for me and love me and fix my car when it messes up. And he'll give me advice and he'll be wise and caring and compassionate. I don't expect him to take my dad's place, but if he happens too, he's a damn good replacement. 

I'm not lonely. I sit with my friends and tell them the things that make me feel most vulnerable. I feel translucent in front of them and that doesn't bother me. I curse and rant and cry and yell, and they still love me. What's more, they respect me for who I am and they value my place in their life.

For all of those people in the world who feel lonely and alone, I hope my actions and consistent care shows them that there is value in stability. I hope that I'll be a stable mother, wife, friend, community member one day. I hope that I cook the same meals and sing the same songs and drink the same cup of tea every night. I will prove to my past that I'm capable of consistency.

Why must it always be stop and go? 
Where in this life can I find constant flow? 
Inconsistency on a larger scale 
Impersistence forcing me to bail out 
Look left look right look left again before you take a giant step 
All this side to side takes me out of my groove makes me feel inept 
I toe the straight line for one short time 
Forget about regrets and doubts that 
Make me stop on a dime 

I'm a fool for distraction 
Can't keep cool throughout my action 
Once in a while I find satisfaction 
I have too much care beyond my reach 
And too much love that I can't preach 
What I really need is consistency 

Everywhere that I go I don't want to be 
Cause I keep telling me "You're missing out, gotta move, gotta break on free" 
A modern-day busybacksoon 
Kind of figures cause I was born in June 
The month of moody, happy feet 
The people that no one would like to meet 
Of wandering no-clues, but why should I have to choose? 

What if what I need is just to believe 
Day in day out I find I'm searching for the key 
My head and heart are too stubborn to agree 
Where it begins must lie within me 

I've been so busy finding my way 
I'm not content with the roles I've been playing 
But something occurred to me just the other day 
I am who I am come what may