Decisions

Yesterday and today have been a challenge, in many ways.

Thursday night came the event that I knew was coming. I broke up with 'the boy'. I feel so unemotional when I say that, but it came with so many emotions. Unfortunately, those emotions haven't come in the 'normal' way. I haven't cried, but instead, I've confined myself to the house and immediate vicinity for two days.

My mother is in California on business, and my friends aren't a few feet away as they normally are, so the television has been my friend. I've diagnosed myself with depression, but of course, I know what that feels like, having experienced it in the past. I've talked to him a few times, but there are so many elements of the breakup, I just feel like my brain is going around and around in circles.

Have you ever made a decision that, in all of the logical ways, should feel right but still doesn't? My friends have asked me if I feel like I did the right thing, and well, no, I don't. When I'm missing him and thinking about all of the good things I had, I regret the decision. When I'm wondering what he's doing and realizing that I could be on the phone with him talking about my day and feeling through my emotions with him, I regret the decision. When I think of our friends and the future I saw, I regret the decision. And I still very much love him and could see myself with him. I'm not angry with him. Like he said, I just didn't choose him. I didn't feel like I could. I felt like I needed this time not to feel smothered by a relationship, to express myself as Erin, and to become more of who I am already. But saying goodbye to this relationship feels like I somehow ripped a piece of me, a good piece of me away. But neither of us can rely on this relationship to define us.

So tomorrow I'll go back to work, and I hope there will be a few smiles and laughs waiting for me. But right now I'm watching Food Network nighttime, needing a shower, wanting to go to Wendy's and get some comfort food, and realizing that I still like my life.