how to save a life

Friday, May 11, 2007

it feels strange, this house. strange seems to describe my life lately. today, an ex (the ex) called me to apologize for events that occured over a year ago. apologizing for running away, for closing the door and never opening it, for being a coward. he said he had heard a song, those time capsules of our lives, and was reminded of me. my heart skipped a beat when i heard his voice on the voicemail. i had a feeling he was calling to apologize; i had expected it for a while. and i needed it. i needed that closure, and for him to hear in my voice that i was ok. that he was forgiven, that i understood, and that throughout all the hurt, i was ok. ok. really- healing and ok. i love that relationships can have so much depth that you never truly get over them. i think this person will live in my heart an memories forever. but he won't be my forever. he was my present at one point in my life, and i cherish the moments i had with him and the experience of falling in love with him, but he does not really know me now, like some do. he doesn't get it. so what happens when you grow up and you don't fit into one room of your parent's house? i struggled with the decision to come home, not because i don't love home or i don't get along with my mom, but because i need to seize the opportunities that i have to travel and experience things on my own, right? college is about all of that, and every summer during college should contain some sort of crazy travel. no. my spirit is seeking rest, and my mind and heart need solitude. i need to seek the Spirit, to long for it, to desire it like i have never desired anything in my life. this house, it represents that. just driving down the road feels like i'm going into solitude. resting by the pool today was good for my soul. it's hard to settle my mind- i want to learn to do that this summer, but the thoughts were good. i thought about how much it hurts not to be returning to kenya this summer, and how much i desire to serve people and what i want my life to look like. how do you describe the intense desire to be with people of another country to someone who has never experienced it? my summer in east africa was more than just an adventure. it was stretching, exhausting, and full of pain. but it built a fire in me, that has continued to burn. i served and was served, and i was humbled. humbled by so many experiences. seeing people who had given up the american dream to live with and serve people, seeing humble servants in the kenyans at brackenhurst, so willing to love and accept us, and the kenyans in western kenya, so ready for us to arrive and willing to share their homes and sacrifice time and money in order to make us comfortable. and my precious teammates. i am convinced that my God is the master of team making, because we fit together like a puzzle. i have seen the glory of God on the plains of the safari, in the eyes of a child who is truly worshipping, or just playing and being joyful. i have seen his glory revealed in a sunset, in the sounds of the kenyans singing, and in the sounds of our own a-cappela. the tears at the end of my summer were well earned. i did not want to get on that plane. and now, here. i am thinking about and praying for that next team. that team that god has miraculously, again, put together. he is humbling me in an entirely new way. 'erin, you can't go.' how hard is that? i want to be there, of course! i was adamant when i returned that i would be somewhere in africa this summer. but alas, i'm not. and god is working. right? he's here, in this crazy bedroom, in my quiet retreat, in the stillness of the night and the pain of the american. how i hate being an american sometimes! but then i am reminded to count my blessings. and that i will. this summer, i will choose happiness. i will choose quiet, and solitude, and peace, and the stillness of god. and i will choose to love people. but i will choose to care for myself and to care for my soul. to forgive myself of my shortcomings. to invite grace to come in. grace (eventually). choose happiness. oh, the depth of happiness and the richness of the soul.