Growing and expanding.
That feeling that comes every once in a while, where my imperfect surface is being broken, and my person is being remolded. The hurtful growth, in which I realize imperfections about myself-serious imperfections, character flaws, prejudices, demons, and they make themselves clear and evident in every thought. And I seem to remember that somehow, somewhere, there is perfection. In the black dahlia that my mother planted outside, perfection of color, shape, and size. The depth and beauty of that flower is so powerful. In the rushing water of the pond in the backyard and the light green of a kitten's eyes, I find perfection. But not within my soul. And I try so hard to reach it, I try so hard to be mature, and complete.
I have this longing right now to be crazy. Being in a scholarship program that benefits me so much but whose requirements are set forth in a contract, which I sign, and I make the decision to not drink or participate in illicit activities makes college an interesting experience. On one hand, yes, I will be proud of my integrity in the end. I will be proud of my accomplishments and the fun I had without the assistance of beverages or substances, but I will wonder. And my 20s, well, I think they'll be fun. I have no doubt that they'll be fun. I was speaking with my boss today about a friend of hers who skipped out on her 20s, who missed an entire section of her life in order to start a family. And in her 40s, she went crazy. I don't want to do that. Yes, I have ambitions, dreams, crazy plans. But I want to have fun, and not look back on my life when I get older and wish I had done more crazy things.
So there's this boy-man. That I date. And kiss. You know, that kind. And he's textbook perfect for me. I love Africa, he grew up there. I like outdoorsey, crazy, tattood, understanding, kind, honest, intuitive, sensitive, caring, nurturing, understanding. He is all of those things. And it makes sense on paper. Right? But not. And here I am, in this awkwardness of home between years of college, and he's still in my college town. And he misses me. Misses me. And I find it hard to miss him in the way that miss someone you're in love with. I miss him in an "I wish you were around" kind of way, but not that longing.
I wonder a lot about that relationship. I am the perfect example of a product of divorce and afraid of commitment in every way. But shouldn't you be afraid of commitment if you are as young as I am? I have so many plans! I'm a feminist, a Christian, a volunteer, a leader, and a student. And oh, the world is full of possibilities! Why wouldn't I be afraid of "settling down"? I don't want to miss anything, and I don't want to have any regrets. Seize life, yeah? Does the ability to seize life include being able to juggle school, friends, a boyfriend, career opportunities, and so many other things that come with college life?
It's all so confusing.
2 comments:
hey, i didn't know you had a blog. i guess because you just started it. and your blog totally matches elise's. lolz.
you know i fully identify with you on the longing to be crazy. i wouldn't have been able to sign the contract and stick to it. it's not that i want to live my college years in an alcohol-induced stupor, but i feel like if i don't go a little crazy now, it's going to bubble inside me until i have a family and a big life and then it will burst forth and be really inconvenient. but we will have fun when you graduate college. take a gap year with me.
also, i know what you mean about textbook perfection and the fear of commitment. the idea of marriage absolutely terrifies me.
Hi, it's me. The one you actually spent an entire evening with! Yes, I'm still feeling a little honored by that.
You know that I agree with your post. You know that YOU KNOW what you need to do. You also know, whether from me or my daughter telling you, that I did all the "right" things until my divorce. Then, I didn't. I wish that I had spent at least the last years of my teens and the early years of my twenties having some kind of fun and being just a little crazy. I can't be TOO crazy, I'm a first-born (hi, Whit!).
Please do all of the things you're supposed to do when you're young, without commitments, without children, without the drudgeries that come along to everyone in their grown-up lives. I honestly believe (and know) that you won't regret it. Really. I'm not talking about stupidity, just fun.
Also, commitment isn't bad. It is actually wonderful. And hard. Marriage can also be the best place on earth, and the worst. But, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I love you.
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